Friday, September 14, 2007

I have found my Guru

I have finally found my guru and in the most seemingly unlikely person too. He is none other than Bruce the milkman or as my 3.5 year old calls him "Cowboy". He is an incredibly compassionate person and full of kindness. I look forward to our weekly visits when I go to get my milk and a wee bit of wisdom all in one trip. He is kind enough to listen to me talk. And as a stay at home mom with 4 kids I do not get out very often so finding someone that actually will have a conversation with me is a really big thing. Did I mention he is also incredibly funny. Anyway this week we talked about many things but what really made me stop and think was when he talked of how he wanted his kids to laugh. I realized that I used to laugh a lot but it seems to have gone missing from my life. Then that made me stop and think about joy and whether or not I feel real joy in my life anymore.
My life changed the most when my husband and I decided to start a family. I know that adding kids changes things but I wasn't prepared for loosing my sense of self and my identity. My oldest is 9 and a half years old and it was a huge adjustment having her. I was so unprepared it is kinda sad. She nursed every 45 minutes around the clock for the first 3 months of her life. As you could imagine I was ever so slightly sleep deprived and I battled postpartum depression. I also was not prepared for the criticism I received for how I was doing everything wrong. I in my naivety thought that my family would be more supportive of my choices then they were. Don't get me wrong I did not expect to be perfect. I just was not prepared for the repulsion others would feel just knowing that I was breastfeeding and cosleeping. Things started getting better as far as I was feeling around the sixth month and by the time my oldest was a year old I was feeling almost my old self again . I was still trying to adjust to never getting to eat or sleep or read a book in a reasonable amount of time but I felt like I had made it through the worse and it would be smooth sailing ahead. So we decided to add on to our family.

We were blessed to find out that we were expecting twins when our oldest was around 18 months old. I had always known I would have twins so it was not that great a surprise to me. I felt such contentment and joy despite constant morning sickness and more criticism for having a huge family. At 23 weeks gestation I had a placenta abruption and went into labor. It was an incredibly peaceful and pain free labor even though I was given no meds. My sweet girls were born crying which was a great sign. We had them with us for a short 17 hours before we a had to let them go. I am grateful for every moment I had with them. One would think that this would be the lowest point of my life but it was actually a highlight. My husband and I became very close and for the first time in my life I realized just how strong our marriage is. I did still have the normal sadness that follows such a loss. For several months I felt at peace and we struggled with the question of do we try for more or do we stop at one. Well being somewhat insane we decided to try for more.

We had another healthy girl the next year and have since been blessed with 2 very healthy boys that really make life interesting. (Read choatic) I have added homeschooling and gardening. I try to cook all of our meals from scratch. I have taken up sewing and knitting just to have a hobby for all of my free time. I am still brestfeeding, cosleeping, and we also infant potty train too. I realized that I have gotten so busy being a mom that I have forgotten to enjoy the life that I have and to really stop and laugh. I am finally starting to revisit the artistic side of my life and I am on a journey of self discovery. I think this is one reason I stumbled on my Guru in the first place. I am finally ready to really live life and not just be on autopilot. I am also so done with all the naysayers in my life. I do love being a Mom but the biggest mistake I have made along the way was forgetting who Christy is and what she loves.

It's amazing that one would need to be reminded to have a good laugh every day. It is so important to enjoy the life we have and use it to the fullest to help bring joy to others. At one time in my life I had a really good sense of humor and made a lot of people laugh and it is time to bring that back.

Last weekend I did get away with my sister for a bit. It was the first time in about 6 months that we managed to spend some time together. So we went to an outdoor mall and of course it started raining. We both got soaked but it was funny and we did laugh a lot.

So thank you "Cowboy" for reminding me to laugh. I hope that wherever you are right now you are laughing too. Chances are that you are probably up to your eyeballs in cow shit and just thinking about that makes me laugh. Hmmm I think I might just need to get some milk soon.